Deep state mode

Right now, I'm typing this on my phone. So it's really a bit uncomfortable given I'm so used to doing things on the desktop. Currently, I'm waiting for the PC repair guy to reply back. Thanks to his diagnosis, the possibility of my Windows gone deep state looks very real. I tested it. And I won't be surprised if the atomic option is the only way out.

To those in my ESO guilds, please don't be surprised if you see a user name inspired by Cirdan the Shipwright gone MIA. Don't worry, I've yet to follow Bilbo on his final journey.

This post is clearly going to be poorly done. Not that people will pay attention unless some sort divine intervention amounting to a PR crisis worse than Monica Baey gone Michael Bay mode. With that being said, I see the aforementioned incident as not of a woke culture and more of the typical scenario in GTO.

Because I function like an Amish instead of a Singaporean in terms of using technology, this means you'll be seeing multiple blocks of text without formating.

Deep state report 1: Fate Grand Order

Right now, I can't play ESO. If I reinstall Steam, OS will die like a Lancer. If I re-download the updates, OS will die like another Lancer. So I could only afford to play games through my smartphone, a noun of irony considering the fact I'm a tech idiot.

Long story short, I just got started on FGO. It's quite intensive, I have to say. Like dating your pastor's daughter, certain things are easy to understand. Like any process of courtship, it can be a bumpy ride. The issue with Type-Moon's attempt to milk the Fate cash cow (like it or not, I doubt we'd be dealing with Tsukihime or Mahoutsukai no Yoru adapted into anime in the future) was that while I knew how the cards function, getting the sequence right remains another issue. Of course, it'd much easier if I could consistently do a Brave Chain like Cú Chulainn spamming Quick cards against Heracles (Hercules for those confusing the Roman version for the Greek OG version). But when you have three Servants in a row, that's where the thinking part comes.

Unlike Gwent where my analytical skill was tested through the left side of my brain, FGO is a CCG testing my analytical instincts. The challenge lies in making the correct call in the card sequence. Brave chain dealt the highest damage. But chances of doing it would either be 50-50 or lower. At the same time, there's the issue of choosing between using a Noble Phantasm minus a Brave chain for one Servant and a Brave chain for the other. At times, I'd even be forced to ditch a 100% crit due to tactical reasons. There's no way I could guess what the opponent would be doing next, so almost every move was effectively a risk move. The only thing I could rely on is my analytical instinct guiding the card sequence. More often than not, the long cooldown means I needed to get the skill usage right in terms of buffing. In particular, evasion buffs could be a life-saver in boss fights. But that's provided the relevant Servant didn't die. This could be dicey in the scenario where Tristan went down before the boss round due to his group evasion buff.

While it's nice to see me draw a SR Li Shuwen, having a Mr Li didn't mean a free pass in having an easier time. There were times where I used 3 Buster cards from 2-3 Servants. Then there were moments when 3 Art cards or Quick cards were used in the same way. Personally, using 3 Art cards made my life easier because I can stage a final round gambit with at least 1 Noble Phantasm on standby.

Right now, I got 3 Archers and 1 Assassin (i.e. Emiya, Tristan, Emiya Alter, and Li Shuwen) where the SR cards are concerned. There's some kind of sick joke behind the RNG. It's like St RNG saying "Tag, you're Emiya Kiritsugu". In this game, Kiritsugu is clearly an Assassin like King Hassan and Mr Li. However, being a gun user most likely would mean he's qualified to be an Archer.

It's quite interesting messing around with different combinations. For Archers, Emiya is more of a constant fixture with Tristan at second place. Having a high chance of drawing Art cards means I could have an easier time deciding which card to use first in a Brave chain. Normally, it's Buster. Otherwise, it'd be Quick if there's no Buster. If there's any tricky terrain to deal with, it'd be 3 different cards to pull off a Brave chain since I needed to decide whether to place Quick or Art in the middle.

Assassin class was a no- brainer since Mr Li was clearly a 5 star SR.

For Casters, I found Cú Chulainn to be the easiest to use due to Rune Magic. In a reserve slot, I could easily buff and fire once he entered the fray. Unless I get a SR alternative, he's most likely a fixture. Like Emiya, he got a higher draw chance for Art. That made deciding which card to use as a Brave chain starter much easier. More specifically Brave>Art>Art sequence.

Riders, it's possibly Minamoto no Yoshitsune (yes, I know he/she is called Ushiwakamaru instead of Okikurmi in the game). I may be testing out a 3 star Medusa, though. Right now, I don't have a SR.

As for Berserkers, I don't use them much since they die too fast for my liking. So I guess it's going to be a case of waiting out for a SR. They functioned well in a hand with 2 Burst cards, though. One as the starter and the other as the ender. Then again, this is a Brave chain scenario I'm referring to.

Lancers wise, I'm in a 50-50 between Fate/Prototype Cú Chulainn and Diarmuid Ua Duibhne. The former has better damage with lower defence (Rune Magic is my personal choice for an alpha strike) while the latter happened to be the other way around. At the end of the day, Lancers functioned more like a glass cannon. This actually made Eye of the Mind a valuable asset for Lancers and that's what Diarmuid has.

Deep state report 2: Gonna finish this here

I'm going to end this on a rambling note. When my PC entered deep state mode, it seemed that Steam was responsible. However, multiple BSOD moments revealed something else which Steam was only guilty of triggering. And that was one of the Windows updates. If I didn't install or run Steam, nothing would happen. Ditto for the updates. Once I did either, it's a BSOD moment that was anything but heroic.

It was also during this time that my curiosity stumbled upon Final Fantasy 14. When I was left wondering whether it's Steam, part of me was tempted to move on. Thankfully, it seemed I didn't have to. And besides, it's not going to make much sense financially speaking.

This comes to mind whether I'd move onto FF 14. I'm a tunnel-focused person, so there's no way I'd do a balancing act. At the same time, unless something massive happens, I'm probably be in the Mundus in the long haul.

It's still quite interesting to see how different both games are in terms of player mechanics. ESO relies on build planning and making the most out of the GCD. The former is about strategy while the latter is about technique. For FF 14, whatever I gleaned so far seemed to indicate a more tactical approach due to the bar.

This made me ask myself whether I'd be more comfortable with ESO or FF 14. If I'm to move onto FF 14, does that mean I have to unlearn certain things? For ESO, I find focusing to be much easier. Once I got the build right, the only major thing left would be mastering the GCD. It's surprisingly simplistic in the fundamental sense. Of course, there's a need to understand the various AI mechanics (i.e. the reason why actual tanks are so important especially in any group content beyond normal dungeons difficulty). This is something which players would need to trial and error plus respawn, something which I've yet to get myself into. In this sense, I wouldn't be surprised if veteran solo arenas are considered end-game level. And I haven't tried them yet. With that being said, it feels surreal trying to imagine how a single mechanic can do a player in.

Dr Frankenstein And His Monster (Some personal thoughts on the legacy of Miura "Sensei" Kentaro)

Well, I guess it's not too late to write this post. Recently, something happened. Miura Kentaro (11 July 1966-6 May 2021) passed away due to acute aortic dissection. If there's a storyteller I'd resonate with, it wouldn't be Kevin Kwan or Jack Neo. If there's a person of creativity close to my heart, it wouldn't be Amanda Gorman or J.K Rowling. Credit to whom it should be due, each of these names is a class act in his/her own right.

There is a dark beauty in Miura-sensei's iconic work. Before I continue, allow me to point out that whatever I know about Berserk came from the series wiki. As a result, I'm in no position to state the details. Ironically, this is proof of Miura-sensei's impact on my life as a storyteller. If your work is good enough to influence a fellow storyteller via the relevant series wiki rather than actual contact, it is a testimony of how epic your creation is. As for why I chose not to deal with the actual media itself, it's due to personal reasons.

Before I start rambling, allow me to up three songs. The first would always play whenever Guts start spilling... well, some guts. Actually, it's plenty of guts. The second is one of the OP songs in the latest rendition of the anime. The third? Basically, the story of Guts' life.

In this post, I'm going to try my best to write what the post title is meant to show. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how well I can pull this off. Ultimately, this is not about me but the impact Miura-sensei had on me.

How it all began

Having the memory of an elephant can be a blessing, curse, or both. I still remember the day I first knew about Berserk. As a secondary school student, I was hated without reason and persecuted without cause. It might have been my facial features which look weirdly Japanese (the jawline and eyes clearly don't look... well, Singaporean). This resulted in what I now call an existential crisis only to be mitigated by mental numbness. After all, there's only this much I could do when the educational system decided to sentence me to death. And all for what? Because I'm not good enough unlike one university student or the other. There was a period of time where I developed the habit of heading to Tiong Bahru Plaza. Be it in the video games arcade or Popular bookstore, I'd definitely be drifting about like a useless bum. Comics Connection happened to be one of them. I remember noticing the manga figurines being displayed. That was when and where I noticed the title below.

At first, I thought nothing of it. After all, my state of curiosity was at where the national standard wanted it to be: Six feet underground. My years at ITE didn't fare much better. In fact, I can still remember the name of that one person whom I hated most in ITE Dover back then. It's not because he's the worst person in my life dictated by schoolyard democracy. Rather, something snapped. There's only this much emotional abuse one can endure before Buck went from dog to wolf.

It was also during this period of time when a classmate actually sat down and chatted with me at the staircase. Clearly, I forgot how that particular small talk session happened. But I do remember some things being talked about. Two of them were Dogma and South Park, titles understandably banned (seriously, just because people are capable of being unreasonable doesn't make me unreasonable). Then there's Berserk.

Fast forward to the day I started writing fiction and I realised it was more of the same existential crisis stuff. I thought I knew what I wanted, but my father said I was doing something that has no future for me. I hated that. I really did. Not that I hated my father but I hated what he said. But I bottled it. So much so that not only did I lose the normal human being's ability to socialise, I also lost the emotional capacity to trust people.

Miura Kentaro: An accidental foreign interference Singapore couldn't do a thing about

It's weird when I look back at it. When I decided to write A Requiem From Winter Past (back then, it was entitled A Ranger's Tale until I realised someone took that title), the inspiration was from Saiyuki by Minekura Kazuya. Originally, I intended to create Aeravor (i.e. Aeranath back then until I realised J.R.R Tolkien arrived at that name far earlier than I did) as another Genjo Sanzou.

As time progressed, I noticed a scary fact: The work had gone from the typical high epic fantasy I intended to something closer to the pre-flood era of Enoch and Noah. This was the very same life I had to endure, the very same social Darwinism condemning me to the gallows. It was also during that period I discovered two things:

1. I was being lied to. Originally, I had no problem calling myself a Singaporean. Now, it's just apathy towards my nation with an emotional trigger towards my nation's educational system.

2. The plot and characters of Berserk.

Because society failed to cremate my curiosity, it became a weapon of vengeance. The impact of Berserk floored me, the genius of Miura-sensei spoke to me. When I came into contact with the plot, the storyteller in me said, "There is a connection and you know it. It is an accident, but the connection is nevertheless real. You know it".

As for the character of Guts, he was the first of the numerous. Before I read up on him, I never associated myself with fictional characters. Guts came in and used his Dragonslayer to destroy the walls erected by the standards of society. An actual fortress built and fortified for many years only for something fictional to smash it to smithereens. Believe it or not, part of me hopes for the day my life would make a mockery out of what is seen as useful. I don't care about hatred, I only desire justice. As a result, I learnt the value of seeing myself in fictional characters. Names like Emiya Kiritsugu (Fate/Zero), Thorfinn (Vinland Saga). and Goblin Slayer (Goblin Slayer). They are not real, but they nevertheless spoke to me. If they are humane, that's because the ones creating them are human beings.

 As Guts... he's truly and clearly humane.

In him, I saw a struggler. That struggler is me.

In him, I saw a man betrayed. That victim of betrayal happened to be me as well.

In him, I saw a human being living out his dignity because the world only sees him as a person with the dignity of an animal. I retained the dignity of a human being because I know to survive only is the dignity of a mere animal.

Miura-sensei would never see the day he realised an accidental act of good was done by him. Even if he was to be still alive, I guess he wouldn't notice it. Today, I now have the ability to laugh. To laugh at the darkness of reality and the fact that there's something Shakespearean about the world we're in, be things like The Merchant of Venice or King Lear. My Christian faith gave me the understanding of the eternal, but from whence did the mirth hail? I don't know. However, I wouldn't be surprised if Berserk managed to trigger something in me, a feat not even the likes of Crazy Rich Asians and Ah Boys To Men could do.

Interestingly, Guts having his own companions after the trauma caused by the Eclipse ended up telling me something: No matter how far you ventured forward alone, one cannot keep on going by himself. This is the reason why I namedropped people like Pastor T and Mr Lee. They're actual human beings in my church. The same goes for Ryan, Ah-Hean, Frontline Bro, Ms Tang, and Claudia.

If I cannot process the importance of friendship through emotions, I will do it via cold hard logic.

Legacy: The Man Who Created A Monstrous Sword

Miura-sensei's legacy cannot and should not be understated. Recently, Isayama Hajime finished the story of Attack on Titan. At the same time, I discovered that Ishida Sui had finished Tokyo Ghoul. While I can understand why the ending of the former was unable to satisfy the entire fanbase (apparently, the final volume isn't going to do just that), I was left wondering whether this would have been how Berserk may end if Miura-sensei never passed away. Berserk as a story isn't too dissimilar from Attack on Titan in the sense of the world the characters were in (i.e. the characters do make sense, just that the world they're in was the polar opposite). Personally, while I find it understandable for part of the fanbase to see a bittersweet ending as unsatisfactory, it also reflected the world we're dealing with. Would Casca be able to relive her life at the cost of Guts' life? If not, would it end up in the scenario where the Moonlight Boy has to sacrifice himself? That's assuming he's actually Guts' and Casca's kid. What if Casca was able to live a decent life at the expense of her memories despite Guts prevailing and surviving?

My point is this: Would there be works like Attack on Titan if there's no Berserk?

The incompletion of Berserk is regrettable. But I also find it fitting to allow other works of Japanese dark fantasy to be seen as an extension of what Miura-sensei had done all the while. This comes to mind a vital question: How many potential mangakas would be inspired in a way which they can prove Miura Kentaro wasn't just about Berserk?

In Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, the titular genius ended up creating a monster he couldn't tame. Interviews with Miura-sensei actually hinted at what I'd call the Frankenstein dilemma. On one hand, the monster created was proof of individual genius. On the other, the inability to tame it is twisted evidence of ingenuity. This can be another way for us to appreciate him.

As for me, A Requiem From Winter Past first began as an accident so as to speak. As I progressed, I started to attempt incorporating certain elements of Berserk. The latest chapter was proof of what I said. I used to joke I ended up creating another Berserk. Now, I doubt I can go back to this statement of jest. I used to see Aeravor as my own version of Guts to a certain extent. It's a horribly dumb mistake. While I'm currently stuck due to MMO gaming biting off a large chunk of my focus and time, I don't think I can forget the influence of Miura-sensei himself, no matter whether the procrastination would last for good.

Neil Gaiman spoke the truth, I am evidence of the truth, and Miura Kentaro proved the truth.