Group A: Russia, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uruguay
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Сборная
John has to say Russia's fortune in global football is a reflection of Andrey "not Tatarinov" Arshavin. During 2008 (if John remembers correctly), Arshavin single-handedly destroyed the opposition. Was it 4 goals or 3? Either way, John's fur was in a state of standing ovation when he heard the Slavic cheerleading brigade chanting Arshavin's name non-stop in what was the greatest moment of Slavic unity since the Bolshevik seized power like Le Usurpateur himself.
Fast forward to now and what does the world see? Russia is currently stuck in a rut otherwise known as number 66 in the FIFA ranking while Arshavin is still playing in a nation made famous by a Jew. Brutal jokes aside, it's a gutting end to an otherwise glorious start. Ofc they always like to say it ain't over till the fat lady sings. For Russia, there's a need to prove this saying to be 100% accurate.
John took a look at the recent friendly results involving the iconic nation of the Slavs. Suffice to say, it's not exactly the kind of stuff which would get the fans fired up. At this rate, tennis will become the no.1 sport for the people to tune in to. At least there's Maria "the supernova of Russian women tennis" Sharapova. Never mind the fact that she's taken off the shelf.
Strategy and tactics:
Ever wondered how the Slavs ride their horses? With ferocity and verve definitely. In case any of John's fellow S'poreans are snickering, this has got nothing to do with the Dothraki. Although both the fictional and non-fictional are masters of light cavalry warfare. By John's guess anyway. And speaking of cavalry, be it light or heavy, John will have to talk about the midfield. If the defence is the rearguard and the forwards being the vanguard, then the midfield has to be the cavalry linking up between the two. Two Slavs may be key to how far this year's hussar brigade can ride in their motherland Russia: Yuri "different person and gender from Sakazaki Yuri" Zhirkov and Daler "pretty sure he doesn't own Daler-Rowney since the Brits never said anything" Kuzyayev.
Effectively, Zhirkov and Kuzyayev have a common trait as footballers. And that is the ability to slow down play and hold down the ball out wide. The former is a veteran when it comes to defensive play (i.e. Zhirkov is arguably more famous as a leftback even though he can operate on the left wing as well) while the latter can play either as a right midfielder or in the central position. John looked at the squad list and only 3 strikers are included in Daniel Craig's list. In other words, it's a no-brainer that Russia will be going for a lone striker formation. While it's possible a 4-2-3-1 will be on the cards, John won't be surprised if 4-3-3 will be Stanislav "will he be Russia's Stan the Man?" Cherchesov's preferred choice. 3 mids sitting flat near the back 4 means a four by three defensive approach instead of the four by two version made famous by the Germans. While John couldn't be sure whether Zhirkov will get the nod, Kuzyayev's shirt number should give the neutrals and haters (because no one would back a team stuck at rank no.66 unless he/she is a Slav proud to be a Russian) a decent idea on the deployment: 7.
Ultimately, John's guess will be Cherchesov opting for either a two-man ball anchor at the offensive width or Kuzyayev being the designated guy for the job. The ball anchor part is very important because that'd most likely affect the pace of Russia's offensive play. Will they play it safe or will they channel their inner Vlad by unleashing the Wallachian cavalry?
Key man:
No, not Johnny Blaze. Rather, it's Johnny's blazing BFF Igor Blaze. John still remembers Akinfeev at his best. Trust John, that guy's unplayable once he's in cat mode. Modern football has seen its own fair share of game-breaking keepers. You have Jorge "El Gato" Campos from Mexico. Then more recently, there's Manuel "his hands are as fast as Pacquiao" Neuer. Timeline wise, you'd have Akinfeev wedged in-between.
The goal area is very important for Russia. It's not just where games are lost, drawn, or won. For Russia, it's also about building up play via goal kicks. Some guy called Chanov once said Akinfeev's goal kicks could take flight like Hawkeye's arrows. Well, sorta anyway.
Prediction: Group A has to be easy for Russia. As the host nation, the Russian Slavs drew the better card from the deck. Or rather, it should be the case. For Russia, failure to progress beyond the group stage isn't exactly the kind of disaster that will make the RFS start scrambling for foreign talents in Kazakhstan. The local talents should be good enough. Unfortunately... well, just look at the team below.
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الصقور الخضر
There's a reason why John upped the image of the most powerful man in Saudi Arabia right now. Rumours had it that he died. The most powerful man in Saudi Arabia then displayed his power once again. This time, it's him versus House Bin Laden and vice versa. And you think it's only Iran, Houthis, and most likely the greatest nuke wheel-and-deal after North Korea.
Saudi Arabia is now raising eyebrows and ire with all the social reforms going on right now. But what about the football? Currently, the falcons in green are only one rank lower than Russia. In other words, Russia won't have it easy. Conversely speaking, the same goes for the Arabs of Saudi.
In Asia, four nations tend to stand out from the rest. The first is Japan. No, it has got nothing to do with Aragaki "not #TeamGakiNoTsukai" Yui being single, available, and a problem to the society. The second one is South Korea. No, it has got nothing to do with 12th of June and Claudia Kim denuking. The third one would be Iran. And yes, John is very sure the Grand Ayatollah is currently sniggering at the fact that Iran is now at no.36 in the FIFA ranking compared to Saudi's 67.
Together with Saudi Arabia, one can call them the Ferocious Five of the Asian continent. What they lack in reputation and technique, they made up for it in terms of tenacity. Even though Japan is the most technically refined team out of the five, it must be stated that Japanese men are most likely shorter than Aragaki "not #TeamGakiNoTsukai" Yui since she's like only 0.01 short of being 1.7m tall. In other words, the samurais from the East still must deal with opponents like a squad of ninjas.
Strategy and tactics:
Back to the Arabs from Saudi. A look at the current list would make you go like 😲😱😭. If you think Russia was crazy to include only 3 strikers, then the Arabs from Saudi would shock you right at the very core. Rub your eyes and clean your specs: Only 2 strikers are on the list.
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| If Elmo can pengsan, so can you... |
I'm pretty sure it's not that easy for a Muslim to pengsan after fasting. But seriously... only two? This is even crazier than some "stop at two" birth policy dictating the social norms for N years!
It's evident what the Arabs from Saudi are going to do. They're not going to do it like a pride of lions from Persia. But fight with individual and collective pride, that they surely will. Their coach is none other than Juan Antonio "think Peter Lim threw him a pizza" Pizzi. Local S'poreans may not know who he is, but John is very sure the correct Lim family does. In other words, he used to manage Valencia until something happened behind the closed doors of Los Che office. Maybe his boss really threw him a pizza. Maybe his boss wasn't that Fergie after all even though his daughter supports Man Utd. [Correction in the name of journalism and Park "definitely a better Park-Choi than the original" Shin-hye's character in Pinocchio: Fergie never threw the pizza like a boss.]
So what will Pizzi-man do? His strategy should be very easy to guess by now: 4-5-1. If he shows everyone a 4-2-3-1, it's still a 4-5-1. Don't let your eyes fool you, don't let yourself go pengsan just because there's a difference on paper between 4-2-3-1 and 4-5-1. Five-man midfield lockdown is still a five-man midfield lockdown, be it 5 blokes straight or three by two.
Key man:
Is there a difference between Mohammad and Muhannad? John has to say the answer is yes. Nothing to do with the most powerful Mohammad in the world (?) right now, but rather it's a question of whether it's two Ms or one M. This has got nothing to do with the son of another Mohamad bossing Malaysia right now as well. Rather, who will get the nod as the starting striker? Will it be Al-Sahlawi or Assiri? Going by the jersey number, it's very likely to be Al-Sahlawi. His shirt number? 10.
Prediction: This group is dodgier than it looks. At least for the host nation. It will be a tough fight. John expects nothing less than 1-0 every 90 minutes. If this sounds familiar to the faithful amigos of Estadi de Mestalla, it's because of Quique Sánchez "the 1-0 amigo" Flores.
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الفراعنة
John hopes the Liverpudlians on display in this vid were not serious with what they sang. It's like someone saying "I want to be a Christian because John is one, he's such a genius in tactics and strategy like Sima Yi, and he even got a Tesla girlfriend resembling someone from Dynasty Warriors!" Not every successful person is a Christian. Likewise, not every world-class player is a Muslim. But is the fastest Mohamed in the world a Muslim? The answer is yes. And because of that, you can be very sure he's fasting right now. This message is for the Liverpudlians in the vid btw.
Should the most powerful general in Egypt declare war on Sergio "the Madrid half of the Super Sergio Bros" Ramos over a technique so illegal, only a terrorist would consider it as legal? While John is not going to play both the judge and jury, John has to admit that... well, the Egyptians are most likely gutted like Loris "an accident turned him into a slow loris, it seemed" Karius. John will come to Spain later on. And no, he won't castigate Ramos because this is neither the state court nor supreme court. Let alone an apex court.
Strategy and tactics:
Despite the injury, Salah was included in Egypt's squad. Depending on the outcome, this will either be the most heroic moment since Emiya Shirou gimped Gilgamesh in (and with) Unlimited Blade Works or... well, it can end up a national disaster the proportion of Titanic hitting an iceberg. In fact, Dejan "he got a kid" Lovren backed the fastest Mohamed in the world to make the fastest comeback in football history.
The Egyptian national team is currently at 46 in the FIFA ranking (John can't help but wonder whether Putin has anything to say about his motherland's current FIFA ranking). John doesn't have an idea when it comes to how Egypt will power its tanks for 90 minutes.
Key man:
You have the fastest Mohamed in the world. Then you have another Mohamed. Namely, Mohamed "not the fastest Mohamed in the world" Elneny. John has to point out his presence for a reason. Never mind how good or crap he was last season with Les Gunners. El Emerytes is now the profesor (no, you're not seeing it wrong. That's the Spanish word for professor in the same way professeur is the French word for professor). What is vital right now is this: Assuming Salah can play, the team needs another Mohamed to ensure the fastest Mohamed in the world can roast the opposition like a Ra. So yes, every Ra needs an Anubis. Elneny (assuming he will start) needs to shoulder the task of stabilising the back and slowing down the play so that Salah can do what he does best. And that is being the fastest Mohamed in the world.
Prediction: Let's wait to see whether the fastest Mohamed in the world will take the field. That'd require 15th of June instead of 5th June.
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La Celeste
At 17, Uruguay is no girl waiting to be bedded once she reaches 18. Rather, 17 refers to Uruguay's ranking. This means one thing: Russia is officially the second lowest ranked team in the group with Saudi Arabia being the lowest ranked one. Much to the amusement of Iran, quite obviously. John means the Saudi Arabia part, not Russia.
As a veteran in international tournaments, Uruguay enters the group stage as hot favourites. Definitely as hot a favourite as the (stereo)typical Latin American girl.
Strategy and tactics:
Óscar "not George Washington" Tabárez is a real tactical maestro. If the likes of Luis "he doesn't join the other side like Figo" Suárez and Edinson "El Caballería" Cavani are responsible for the goals, then Tabárez is responsible for the results. Uruguay is blessed with players of tenacity and technique. If Gastón "El Bello Bestia" Ramírez can be omitted from the call-up, you know that's because Tabárez knew what he's doing unlike the most famous chant in English football that goes like "you don't know what you're doing!" So now comes the 100 million dollar question: Will Tabárez start with a three-striker lineup?
The squad list looks rather even to John. Not every team can afford to include 5 forwards in the squad list because not every team can afford to be like Brazil. But Uruguay did include 5 of them. One of which goes by the name of Cristhian "not a Ronaldo" Stuani. To be honest, Stuani's time with John's beloved Boro was a story of few joys and many trials. When he got sold to Girona, something happened. Not only was he enjoying his top flight football once again, he scored a whopping 19 goals out of 30 appearances. Compared this to his days at Boro and... well, it's only 11 goals out of 59 appearances. If Tabárez decides to start with 3 strikers, will Stuani stun the opposition like what he did for Girona 19 times?
Tabárez is now being faced with the best strategic dilemma any coach would like to have. Namely, should he go for 4-2-3-1 or 4-3-3? The latter may indicate a more direct approach with 3 attacking players and 3 midfielders playing it up. It sounds simple, but it's very dangerous. Not for the Uruguayans but the opposition. John is convinced that there's fuel aplenty left inside Suárez and Cavani. This is already scary enough. Suárez is the fighter while Cavani is the wizard. If it's 3 strikers, maybe Stuani will get a chance to stun the opposition again. Who knows?
4-2-3-1, on the other hand, is more defensive. More about keeping the ball, starving the wolves, and letting them loose once Tabárez the beastmaster gives the command. However, 4-2-3-1 will also create an interesting question for this Óscar Wily: How is he going to strike a balance between utilising his strikers and midfielders?
Key man:
The media always enjoy lauding the heroes. However, John doesn't like to follow the crowd. If someone says there are more dogs than people in Singapore, that's because he/she never saw a wolf before. A wolf is never a dog even though it may act like one in order to survive. But to follow the crowd? Hell no.
This is Diego "The Godín of Steel" Godín. You can call him the Godín of Steel. He's no Maradona, but you can be very sure he's anything but a primadonna. See the tooth in the picture above? Yeah, that belongs to him. No one told to lose it, not even the tooth fairies in Hellboy. No one messes with the Godín of Steel.
Los Rojinlancos is a very interesting team. This is a team famous for the Diegos. Los Diegos or Diegos Tres, it doesn't matter. You have Diego the commander, Diego the beast, and this Diego. All three are renowned scrappers and brawlers. Óscar Wily needs a Deigo to ensure Uruguay can progress as far as possible. Not just any Diego, but this Deigo. As the team captain, the Godín of Steel is in the perfect position to enable Uruguay breaking down play and to recycle it from the back. If the defenders are the non-fictional equivalent of Helm's Hold, then the Godín of Steel is the non-fictional twin of Hornburg.
Prediction: Uruguay will go far, John is convinced this much. Cup tournaments tend to favour late surges, so that'd play into Óscar Wily's hand. This is a coach who is more of a pragmatist and far less an idealist. As for the Godín of Steel, he needs to be at the top of his game in terms of leading and organising from the back.
Next up: Pt B
Next up: Pt B
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